Will it ever be my turn again?

Having a pretty rough day. Been doing pretty good til now. I felt like we were getting somewhere with the medicated cycles and doing something to help our chances. Well we took Dec off for the holidays and that was a hard decision. Then af was 14 days late! A lot of BFN's later I decided I wasn't pregnant and would be calling my RE Monday. Then I got af yesterday which was GOOD!! I called my RE's office to report cd1 and get in for cd3 US and blood work but I haven't heard back yet. So now I'm worried that they may be closed this week for the holidays :( And I don't know if I can start my meds on cd6 or not. Just feeling very emotional now. But I know God has a plan for me and His timing is perfect! But as a human I am impatient as all get out!

Where's my map?

I've been feeling so lost lately. I thought DH and I were on the same path and I could see the road for miles ahead with only a few blind spots. But last week he totally threw a curve at me and now we're off road and out of control. I thought we had decided that he would stay in the military and finish out his enlistment to 20yrs and get his retirement which is only about 8 years away. But he has been looking at other options without me knowing anything about it. If it wasn't for the fact that we are TTC I wouldn't mind. Yes I would still be afraid of what is to come with moving home and not knowing for sure where we would live/work but I can manage that. My problem with the whole thing is that if we get out I just feel we won't be able to have another baby. We recently found out he has DNA issues and I may have PCOS which means our chances of conceiving naturally are less than normal. We've had 3 losses, 2 since we have been trying for our 3rd child and I want my Rainbow baby so badly. I feel that's the only thing that will help me heal completely. I feel like something is missing like there is a hole inside me that will never be filled unless we have another baby. I fear that if he decides to get out and we don't get to have another baby that I will resent him and it will eat away at our relationship. How do I tell him that? I try to explain the other things but how do I tell him that part of me will despise him if he takes the option for another baby away from me?

Why

I know we're not meant to understand everything or sometimes anything at all but I am left in utter disbelief. I have so many negative thoughts, questions, and comments swirling around in my head that I find myself questioning things I once felt so solid on. Why? Why God must I go through this again? What purpose does it serve? Why must I have 3 babies that I have never laid eyes on or held in my arms? I am not Job. I do not have his patience. I feel so dead and incomplete on the inside. I'm so afraid of what my future holds. I've never felt this way before. Why do the child abusers, drug addicts, and horrible people get  babies and I am left crying? I am ever grateful for the two boys that I have now. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just don't understand what went wrong. I was doing everything I was supposed to do. Vitamins, no heavy lifting, no hot showers, very minimal caffeine, eating well, resting...........and I'm left with emptiness. Why did it take us a whole year to get pregnant again only to lose another baby? Apparently God doesn't want us to have a November baby.

I'm ok..........

 Or at least I'm used to saying that. I am ok sometimes. Then sometimes I'm not. But honestly I'm so tired of not being ok. So many things are making me not ok.

 I don't have a baby...........and I see people all around me that have babies and don't appreciate them. I'm ok with putting a baby on hold but sometimes it hits me that I don't have the baby I am supposed to have and I'm not ok.

 My friend died. She walked out in front of a van. How does that happen? She was a walking healthy 29 year old one minute and dead the next. That's not fair. I haven't talked to her in 10 years, we lost touch when I moved. But I have looked for her on Myspace and Facebook....she's always one of those that I have hoped to get back in touch with. And now that hope is gone.....well at least postponed in this life.

 My best friend is moving away. I know I know it's the military and I knew it could happen. It's bound to happen. People get orders. But I had tucked that thought far far away from my conscious mind. Well can't tuck it away anymore. They leave in June. I'm going to miss her like crazy.

 But along with all of these things I have lots going on that make me ok. I have a friendship blossoming  into something I hadn't expected. I'm extremely happy for this.

 Jess's baby shower is this weekend! I'm so excited for this! I only wish we knew more people. It's going to be a rather small turn out....but I'm going to make the best of it!

 My family is amazing. I love them so much and my husband is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him.

 So sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not. But I'm trying to be ok. Even if I have to pretend to be sometimes. Maybe if I keep pretending I'll believe it's true. 

I thought I'd be ok by now.....

I thought I'd be ok by now.....I thought I'd be pregnant by now......but I'm neither. Some days are easier than others. Some questions are easier than others. It seems like there is so much pregnancy and joy around me and it feels like my world is crumbling down with every monthly reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. I know that God has a plan for me and His timing is perfect...but I wish His timing and mine could be a little more in sync. My heart is torn and it isn't mending. I suffer in silence. I don't cry in front of anyone any more. I don't talk about it. I put a strong front up so everyone thinks I'm ok. I want to be ok. I need to be ok. I just don't know how to be ok.

Still screaming on the inside....

Ok I realize I may be one of the worst bloggers of all time but recent events have left me thinking this may be a good place to let things out. So this is my attempt of letting things out.

On April 9th I had a miscarriage. This was my second one. The first was before I got pregnant with our youngest son 6 years ago. I had a really hard time with both. But this time around was different. With the first all they did was a few labs and confirmed that my HCG levels were indeed dropping. This time I went into the ER since it was the weekend and they did an ultrasound and labs. They didn't give me a definite yes or no as to whether I was losing the baby or not. Then the nurse called me the next day asking that I come in for follow up labs that week because the u/s was inconclusive. So I was then given this glimmer of hope however small it was it was enough to light a spark. So I went in for 2 consecutive 48 hour labs and waited to hear the results. The last lab was on a Friday so I didn't expect to hear anything until Monday. Monday comes and I get a call from the hospital....not the one I expected though. It was the automated system confirming that I had an appointment the following day. An appointment I knew nothing about. So I called the clinic and the receptionist didn't know what it was for so she transferred me to someone else and she didn't know. Finally I get on the line with the person that made the appointment and it was just a follow up app from the ER visit. Ok. Then she tells me that she has my lab results and my level was like 30 or something....I didn't know what that meant and she told me  my levels the week before had been in the 150's so it was definitely dropping. What a nice way to find out. Then she told me I needed to come in to have my levels tested until they reach below 6. That was as of April 18 and I have yet to be able to bring myself to go in. How can I go in to get blood drawn to make sure I'm absolutely not pregnant when just a couple months ago I was going in to make sure I was. I have been healing and I am doing much better but I am still screaming on the inside some days. When I didn't go in right away the Dr. did call to check and remind me to go in but I still didn't go. I got my period this weekend and I was just getting past that when I get a call today from the nurse asking me to come in for the final blood work. I told her I had gotten my period and asked if it really mattered that I go in and she said "well yes just to make it official and have it in your paperwork". Really?? Are you kidding me?? Maybe I can't. I'm ok til I think about going in for that blood work. I can deal with most things that come about....seeing pregnant people, talking about the miscarriage, getting my period, etc...but not the final blood work. That makes me just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be me again. I don't want to hurt anymore. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I know it takes time but just when I think I'm getting ok with it something else just pops up. I just want to scream! I want to yell at the next person from the clinic that calls me to come in and tell them I don't give a damn about their paperwork and just want them to leave me alone!

Ok I feel a little better now.

Halloweenie good times!

Well well well! What a weekend! It was so jam packed that I think I need an extra weekend just to recover from it! But that won't be happening from now til the end of the year our weekends look pretty hectic! We started off the weekend with the Pumpkin Patch on Saturday and the boys had a blast! We spent about $20 on tickets for rides and the petting zoo about $8 on 2 gourds, a squash, and a scarecrow and alas $4 on a bag of cotton candy! We didn't buy the pumpkins there because we thought they were a bit expensive. I ended up getting them at Wal-Mart for considerably cheaper. We ended our Saturday at a Halloween party at one of our neighbor's house. We all had a wonderful time! Then comes Sunday! We got up and carved our pumpkins I helped Russell with his and Caleb did most of his on his own! Then I had to run out to get AAA Batteries for the lights I bought for them.I managed to get home just in time to get into costume and get the boys ready to start our Trick-Or-Treating right on time at 5:30! We went around with friends and Caleb was going full force! Russell on the other hand was less enthusiastic! He spent most of the night in his wagon and he even fell asleep! We managed to get a good deal of candy and got back home right before 9pm! We came in and the boys attacked their candy and we watched a movie together. I worked on getting all of our pictures posted and then called it a night. Now I am quite envious because Caleb doesn't have school today or tomorrow and Nate took leave til the 12th! SO I'm the only one having to go to work today! I wanna stay home too lol! I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween!!