Ok I realize I may be one of the worst bloggers of all time but recent events have left me thinking this may be a good place to let things out. So this is my attempt of letting things out.
On April 9th I had a miscarriage. This was my second one. The first was before I got pregnant with our youngest son 6 years ago. I had a really hard time with both. But this time around was different. With the first all they did was a few labs and confirmed that my HCG levels were indeed dropping. This time I went into the ER since it was the weekend and they did an ultrasound and labs. They didn't give me a definite yes or no as to whether I was losing the baby or not. Then the nurse called me the next day asking that I come in for follow up labs that week because the u/s was inconclusive. So I was then given this glimmer of hope however small it was it was enough to light a spark. So I went in for 2 consecutive 48 hour labs and waited to hear the results. The last lab was on a Friday so I didn't expect to hear anything until Monday. Monday comes and I get a call from the hospital....not the one I expected though. It was the automated system confirming that I had an appointment the following day. An appointment I knew nothing about. So I called the clinic and the receptionist didn't know what it was for so she transferred me to someone else and she didn't know. Finally I get on the line with the person that made the appointment and it was just a follow up app from the ER visit. Ok. Then she tells me that she has my lab results and my level was like 30 or something....I didn't know what that meant and she told me my levels the week before had been in the 150's so it was definitely dropping. What a nice way to find out. Then she told me I needed to come in to have my levels tested until they reach below 6. That was as of April 18 and I have yet to be able to bring myself to go in. How can I go in to get blood drawn to make sure I'm absolutely not pregnant when just a couple months ago I was going in to make sure I was. I have been healing and I am doing much better but I am still screaming on the inside some days. When I didn't go in right away the Dr. did call to check and remind me to go in but I still didn't go. I got my period this weekend and I was just getting past that when I get a call today from the nurse asking me to come in for the final blood work. I told her I had gotten my period and asked if it really mattered that I go in and she said "well yes just to make it official and have it in your paperwork". Really?? Are you kidding me?? Maybe I can't. I'm ok til I think about going in for that blood work. I can deal with most things that come about....seeing pregnant people, talking about the miscarriage, getting my period, etc...but not the final blood work. That makes me just want to curl up and cry. I just want to be me again. I don't want to hurt anymore. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I know it takes time but just when I think I'm getting ok with it something else just pops up. I just want to scream! I want to yell at the next person from the clinic that calls me to come in and tell them I don't give a damn about their paperwork and just want them to leave me alone!
Ok I feel a little better now.
