Where's my map?

I've been feeling so lost lately. I thought DH and I were on the same path and I could see the road for miles ahead with only a few blind spots. But last week he totally threw a curve at me and now we're off road and out of control. I thought we had decided that he would stay in the military and finish out his enlistment to 20yrs and get his retirement which is only about 8 years away. But he has been looking at other options without me knowing anything about it. If it wasn't for the fact that we are TTC I wouldn't mind. Yes I would still be afraid of what is to come with moving home and not knowing for sure where we would live/work but I can manage that. My problem with the whole thing is that if we get out I just feel we won't be able to have another baby. We recently found out he has DNA issues and I may have PCOS which means our chances of conceiving naturally are less than normal. We've had 3 losses, 2 since we have been trying for our 3rd child and I want my Rainbow baby so badly. I feel that's the only thing that will help me heal completely. I feel like something is missing like there is a hole inside me that will never be filled unless we have another baby. I fear that if he decides to get out and we don't get to have another baby that I will resent him and it will eat away at our relationship. How do I tell him that? I try to explain the other things but how do I tell him that part of me will despise him if he takes the option for another baby away from me?

Why

I know we're not meant to understand everything or sometimes anything at all but I am left in utter disbelief. I have so many negative thoughts, questions, and comments swirling around in my head that I find myself questioning things I once felt so solid on. Why? Why God must I go through this again? What purpose does it serve? Why must I have 3 babies that I have never laid eyes on or held in my arms? I am not Job. I do not have his patience. I feel so dead and incomplete on the inside. I'm so afraid of what my future holds. I've never felt this way before. Why do the child abusers, drug addicts, and horrible people get  babies and I am left crying? I am ever grateful for the two boys that I have now. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just don't understand what went wrong. I was doing everything I was supposed to do. Vitamins, no heavy lifting, no hot showers, very minimal caffeine, eating well, resting...........and I'm left with emptiness. Why did it take us a whole year to get pregnant again only to lose another baby? Apparently God doesn't want us to have a November baby.

I'm ok..........

 Or at least I'm used to saying that. I am ok sometimes. Then sometimes I'm not. But honestly I'm so tired of not being ok. So many things are making me not ok.

 I don't have a baby...........and I see people all around me that have babies and don't appreciate them. I'm ok with putting a baby on hold but sometimes it hits me that I don't have the baby I am supposed to have and I'm not ok.

 My friend died. She walked out in front of a van. How does that happen? She was a walking healthy 29 year old one minute and dead the next. That's not fair. I haven't talked to her in 10 years, we lost touch when I moved. But I have looked for her on Myspace and Facebook....she's always one of those that I have hoped to get back in touch with. And now that hope is gone.....well at least postponed in this life.

 My best friend is moving away. I know I know it's the military and I knew it could happen. It's bound to happen. People get orders. But I had tucked that thought far far away from my conscious mind. Well can't tuck it away anymore. They leave in June. I'm going to miss her like crazy.

 But along with all of these things I have lots going on that make me ok. I have a friendship blossoming  into something I hadn't expected. I'm extremely happy for this.

 Jess's baby shower is this weekend! I'm so excited for this! I only wish we knew more people. It's going to be a rather small turn out....but I'm going to make the best of it!

 My family is amazing. I love them so much and my husband is my rock. I don't know what I would do without him.

 So sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not. But I'm trying to be ok. Even if I have to pretend to be sometimes. Maybe if I keep pretending I'll believe it's true.