Why

I know we're not meant to understand everything or sometimes anything at all but I am left in utter disbelief. I have so many negative thoughts, questions, and comments swirling around in my head that I find myself questioning things I once felt so solid on. Why? Why God must I go through this again? What purpose does it serve? Why must I have 3 babies that I have never laid eyes on or held in my arms? I am not Job. I do not have his patience. I feel so dead and incomplete on the inside. I'm so afraid of what my future holds. I've never felt this way before. Why do the child abusers, drug addicts, and horrible people get  babies and I am left crying? I am ever grateful for the two boys that I have now. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just don't understand what went wrong. I was doing everything I was supposed to do. Vitamins, no heavy lifting, no hot showers, very minimal caffeine, eating well, resting...........and I'm left with emptiness. Why did it take us a whole year to get pregnant again only to lose another baby? Apparently God doesn't want us to have a November baby.